The 1 in 4: Growth Through Loss
I was dreaming big for 2016. I had goals set and was kicking butt on my to-do list for the year. Our family was busy preparing our hearts and minds for a new baby. We were making plans to welcome a new baby in October 2016. My husband Scott announced the news right away to everyone he came in contact with. He was already patting my belly and talking to the baby! I made some changes to my life to include walking at the park, eating a healthy pregnancy diet, and including a prenatal vitamin in my daily routine. And the kids were already picking out names.
I used to think that nine weeks and five days was a short time to be pregnant. I was wrong. I had a miscarriage in 2007 that was never addressed. I miscarried at nine weeks and five days. I miscarried in December and was pregnant again in January. We didn't even blink, we didn't even stop to meditate on what just happened. Occasionally, Scott and I would talk about it, but we didn't have closure. We both realized that miscarriages are not talked about, and I felt that most women probably handled it the same way that we did. You don't really talk about it, you just move on.
Fast forward to 2016 and four kids later. We always talked about having five kids. I had my nine-week appointment scheduled. I was nervous about this pregnancy because I had a traumatic birth with my fourth child. I had talked to friends and was reassured that this was going to be great. I had even inquired about a doula service.
I found out that I was pregnant on January 29, and on March 2 I began spotting. I didn't really think too much about it because I have spotted during previous pregnancies. The next morning the bleeding became heavier. It wasn't that I was lacking faith, but in my gut I knew something was wrong.
I had an emergency appointment where I was finally able to hear a heartbeat and see the baby was measuring small, but the doctor was still optimistic. That night I had terrible "cramping," that was equivalent to labor pains. I knew that I was miscarrying.
At my next appointment, with my husband by my side, there was no heartbeat. He asked if they could try once more to hear it, but my sac had collapsed and it wasn't going to be possible.
I stared out of the window. I was silent. If you know me, you know that I am never silent. Whether I am happy, sad, angry or excited, I am talking. You will be lucky to get a word in.
This day I had no words.
My husband asked me what I was thinking. I mumbled that I wish I would have never heard the heartbeat.