In 2015 I found out I had a small chance of having more children. So we started on a fertility journey full of plenty of ups and downs. I went through surgeries and lots of medicines, just praying for two pink lines.
In 2016 we got pregnant with a baby girl, had a rough pregnancy, but delivered a healthy baby May 2017. Then, a few months later I felt off and we joked I was pregnant. So I took a test. (Anyone who goes through fertility knows you have a million test on hand at every given time.) I took the test and two pink lines showed up.
We were in shock since we were told we couldn’t have more kids, and to conceive naturally was a blessing. We had two girls and wanted a son. All other pregnancies were rough with preeclampsia, but this pregnancy I had no issues. Before we left to go to the doctor for the first time for this pregnancy, my husband and I prayed that the baby would be healthy.
When I reached 11 weeks, we did genetic testing and found out we were having a BOY! We were beyond excited. We prayed before appointments and started buying everything for our son.
Then one night I noticed I hadn’t felt baby move all day. I had a home Doppler and found baby’s heartbeat and it was good. I called the doctor, and they said since I was only 24 weeks not to worry. I regret daily ever using the home Doppler.
Then, at around 9:00 p.m., I felt a strong kick and felt relief. The next day I went in for a normal OB appointment and the doctor tried to find the baby with her Doppler. She could hear the placenta but couldn’t find baby’s heartbeat.
It was just me and my baby girl. They sent me to ultrasound, and as I waited in the waiting room my heart was racing. I didn’t want to accept something could be wrong with my son, so I told my husband not to come and that everything was fine. The ultrasound technician put the warm gel on my stomach and started to try to find his heartbeat. I noticed she kept moving the doppler fast, and I didn’t see his heartbeat. I kept asking what his heart rate was and saying how big he looked.
In this moment, a part of me died when the technician looked at me and said 10 words that would forever change my world. She looked at me with tears and said, “I am so sorry Meagan there is no heart beat.”
I begged her to keep checking and that I knew he was ok. I had to go back into the doctor's office to talk about induction. I had my husband and best friend come at this point. It was an out-of-body experience. They said to leave and go to the hospital at 2:00 p.m. and they would induce me. When we got to the hospital, I begged to have another ultrasound because I just knew my baby boy was ok. My nurse wheeled me to ultrasound and they confirmed my son's heart has stopped. I fell to the floor and begged God to start his heart back. I asked the nurse to please pray with me and she did.
I’ve never known heartbreak until that moment.
That night it snowed (YES in Louisiana!) I remember just watching the snow and thinking it was God letting me know my son was in Heaven in his arms. I labored throughout night and delivered my son on January 17, 2018. He was so perfect.
My sister reached out to Anna’s Grace for assistance with funeral costs. We applied and got assistance, I never even thought about saving for a funeral and burial during pregnancy. It was the hardest path we have ever gone through. Those few days replay in my head daily. A week later I was in the shower and I broke down, begging God to let me become pregnant again. I cried and begged for around an hour. I promised to be the best mother, and would do anything just to please let me carry a child and deliver a baby alive. I never even thought before to pray to deliver a live baby before my loss.
After, I felt this peace -- as if I knew God would send me another blessing. Two months after delivering our son I found out I was pregnant again. We were so scared. I had a few ultrasounds, and the doctor said I was miscarrying because I was bleeding and the baby’s heartbeat was weak. They wanted me to take a pill to help pass the fetus, but I refused because I knew God had a plan.
I went in the next week with my mother-in-law, and the technician found THREE sacs. To say it was unreal is an understatement. I switched providers and thank God daily, since if I listened to my original one I wouldn’t have my son today.
The pregnancy was rough, and only one baby survived. The whole pregnancy I just waited to be told my baby wasn’t going to make it. I stayed at the Baton Rouge General for over a month. I became close to the staff considering I was stuck there 24/7. They truly are amazing.
A week before delivering, I called one of the nurses I had become close to into my room and lost it. I told her I had a feeling I was losing my baby. She just held me and I cried, begging her to get a doctor to deliver my baby so he would survive because I felt like I was losing him also. My gut was right because a week later I delivered and the placenta was starting to tear away. The placenta was calcified and my son's umbilical cord was deformed. It felt like torture waiting for the c-section to deliver our son, but the second my husband and I heard our baby cry was something I can’t even put into words. What I learned is how precious and how much of a blessing it is to be a parent.
Monica, the founder of Anna’s Grace, is amazing. She has been a listening ear and has helped me through my grieving. When you lose a baby, people don’t realize the pain because “you didn’t know baby." I always say that’s what hurts the most.
Through Anna’s Grace, I have found out how many families experience stillbirth/miscarriages. I can say getting to the first year after loss was very hard and emotional. I was so scared last month knowing it was almost a year since I delivered my son.
I woke up January 17, 2019 and was beyond an emotional wreck. I found on a Facebook a couple who lost their baby to a rare heart defect and God told me to help them. I never met them or knew anything about them other than they worked in law enforcement. I spent all day calling foundations to get them assistance. The father called me, after I reached out to them on Facebook. I told him I needed their information and I wanted to help. On the phone I kept trying to keep it together since they just lost their son but I couldn’t. I knew the pain they were going through and my heart was broken for them. I was able to get them assistance for their son's funeral. They thanked me, but they have no idea that day they helped me find peace somehow.
So if y’all are reading this, thank you. To anyone going though loss, know that you are not alone, and not to listen to anyone on how you should grieve. To anyone who has a family member or friend going through a loss, make sure to just be there and listen. Talking about my son helps me keep his memory alive and helps me in this path of grief. I now have babies in Heaven in God's arms and watching over us.
About Anna’s Grace Foundation Anna’s Grace Foundation is a registered 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization supporting families in the Greater Baton Rouge Area who experience miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. Each and every day one of our neighbors, friends, coworkers, or family members will experience the devastating loss of a baby, and Anna’s Grace is there to provide emotional and financial support so that families can focus on healing. The Anna’s Grace Quarter Marathon is on March 24, 2019. For more information or to register, visit http://www.annasgrace.org/registration.